The extroverted introvert. I examined these words in my mind as I sat overlooking the ocean by myself.
I was surrounded by couples, groups of friends and families watching a band as the sunset at a beautiful ocean front hotel. Many in this situation would feel awkward, out of place, filling the moment with time spent looking down at their phone or just not being able to just be present in that moment or simply not putting themselves in this situation, feeling they had to be with someone. But I wasn’t, I chose to be in this moment alone I did not feel even slightly awkward, in fact as I sat there alone with a glass of Shiraz in hand and peanuts for company and I was completely happy.
I smiled at myself, In fact I was beaming as I was not only happy in my own company but in love with it. I pondered for a moment, am I actually happier in my own company than in the company of many others? This is something that seems to be happening to me more and more as I grow within myself, as I become more conscious. Do I have less time for others and more time for me? Do I fine it harder to be around people that I do not connect with? I guess as I contemplated these questions I questioned if I am an introvert.
I was thinking about this as am someone who I always have described as an extrovert. Ever since I was a child I have always loved performing, being on stage, in front of the camera, and into my adulthhood I worked and work as a model and a presenter for years, I was very happy being the centre of attention, in fact I loved it in these circumstances. Not in a big headed way but in a performance way, it was just somewhere I always felt at home and where I could express myself. I was never afraid to get up in front of crowds (well it made me nervous every time but in a great way that made me feel high, like a drug) I always channeled the nervous energy because it was something I felt I was supposed to do. Even when out with friends I would always be the first one to want to dance on something high or be the one who volunteers to do something on stage.
I would say all the things above would make me an extrovert but as I have grown into myself and actually I think it was within me as a child but I always felt like I ‘Should” fit in and make the effort to. I have now realised I do not need or want for many people around me, that I am happy standing out in my uniqueness, in being different and spending time with those that I do really see me, really get me and they are people I have chosen to spend time with deliberately because I have become more specific with the people I spend time with and exchange energy with.
I also realise I may be an extrovert on stage, in front of the camera but when it comes to large groups of people I can also be an introvert. I have never felt the need to fight for the limelight or to have my voice heard and can often fade into the shadows in those situations. I have always preferred more intimate gatherings with select people who I know love me for all that I am, with no judgement or malice or need to be anything other than authentic.
I do believe my job has something to do with this too, on a weekly basis I can be working with up to 17 women. I cannot describe how much I love it, how much it fulfils me seeing other individuals filing themselves up and having huge shifts over a week in our company but it is also challenging and sometimes depleting on energy and I guess for that reason outside of work I am even more specific with my time.
I have realised that time spent by myself with my book, with my pen and paper writing or just being still has become a must for me, it is my way of filling myself up and as such I have stepped also into being more introverted an embraced it. I am learning that it is more than ok to be that way and actually I think it is a beautiful thing. To be completely happy in your own company, in love with it in-fact.
It is interesting because in my previous relationship we spent almost every moment together. We worked together, we lived together and even trained together. I had formed a sort of codependency that led me to feel like I needed him and also I was not as happy in my own company because I realise it is confronting when you do as you have to look within in these moments, you have time to examine what is going on inside you and so often I think people avoid this for this exact reason. They busy themselves constantly with social situations or work because you do not have time to look at yourself.
I guess what I am saying is there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert, with loving your own company and being more loving to yourself by being specific about who you spend your time with. Being an extroverted introvert may be something you relate with? I would love to hear your thoughts around the subject and if it is something you have embraced or is something you stay away from for it may be confronting to spend time alone? Are you happy in your own company? Are you not? Also do you feel you have become so conscious that it is actually a struggle finding the balance between becoming too introvert? I would love to hear your thoughts.
So much love and light,
Han a.k.a the extroverted introvert.
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